Dear Coleen: Why won't my partner let me introduce him to my kids?

Dear Coleen

I’ve been seeing my partner for nearly three months and it’s going really well. We met through work and knew each other for a while before dating.

The problem is, we rarely get time together away from work, and when we do it has to be in hotels.

This isn’t because we’re going behind people’s backs, it’s because I have children and, in the beginning, I didn’t feel ready to invite him to my home.

We’re now serious, but every time I bring up the idea of meeting my children he changes the subject.

It’s now starting to make me question whether it’s going to work between us.

I’ve asked him why he won’t talk about it, but then he’ll just say what I want to hear to end the discussion.

I do have strong feelings for him, but if he doesn’t want to meet my kids then there’s no future. What’s your opinion?

Coleen says

I think you’re right – that’s what you need to say. You come as a package and he must accept that if he wants to be with you.

Three months isn’t that long, though, so maybe he is actually being sensible and wants to be sure himself that you have a future before being introduced to your children.

While you feel ready and are sure the relationship is going somewhere, maybe he’s just being cautious.

However, I agree that you need to have a plan if you’re both serious about the relationship long term.

You must be clear that you’re not prepared to carry on indefinitely if he won’t discuss it.

I remember when I introduced my husband Ray to my boys he was terrified. So your partner might be nervous, too, especially if, like Ray at the time, he doesn’t have kids.

I’m sure he’ll need to be prepared for an element of “You’re not my dad”. It’s not easy, but you get through it.

My boys adore Ray, but we went through two years of hell as everyone adjusted.

Take a bit of time to consider things properly and when you agree the time is right, meet on neutral territory.

But don’t let him keep making excuses indefinitely – you need to know if he’s committed or not.

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